A Rainbow of Emotions

As we prepare to travel to China, I have been left with a rainbow of emotions, ranging from one extreme to the other.

On one hand I am thrilled. The child I have been praying for and dreaming about is finally going to be officially ours! No more chaotic paperwork, no more social workers looking over our shoulder and second-guessing our every move. We can finally call Lia ours, make new family traditions and enjoy her giggle. We can finally have her as part of our so called crazy life. Welcomed by her siblings and loving extended family this little girl is LOVED. I love this wonderful little girl with whom we’ve been blessed and cannot wait for our Gotcha day!

Yet, on the other hand, my heart is breaking for her foster mama, for Lia, for the loss of a bond so very important. I cannot imagine how horrible it has to be letting go the child you have taken care of for the last 5 years. The grief is so tangible to me and yet so hard I just can’t seem to let my mind go there.

My heart mourns for my Lia. Who will be taken out of a loving foster home and transferred to the institution a few weeks prior to our Gotcha Day. From what I understand her social work institute is a good one and does their best to prepare the kids for this transition. But as far as I can see she will be taken from the only family she's ever known to live in a cold institution. And we caused it, technically. That's a hard pill to swallow...the first real effect we've had on her life is to cause that move, and pain which accompanies it. I stay awake at night wondering what will she be allowed to have with her? Was she allowed to take her cherished belongings from home? Was she allowed pictures of her family? Was she allowed the memory book we sent for her foster mama to fill out about her childhood and the gifts we sent her? I pray she was allowed to fill the backpack we sent her with things from her life. My heart aches as I dearly hope she was allowed to keep some of her past. I know that we will love her through all of this. I know in my mind that living with us will offer her stability, unconditional love, and a FOREVER family which is ultimately the best option for her. I also know that through the love and stability we offer her as a family she will eventually adapt, thrive, and grow. However, I also know there will always be something missing from her life, something I can’t give her. Being an older child, she has a history in China which she is all to keenly aware of and the loss her foster family and culture is so much deeper than I will ever fully imagine. I well up with tears for all the questions she will have, the doubts, and the fears. I am so sorry for putting her through this.

As I said, the range of emotions keeps going, as I get angry with the parent who abandoned her. Feelings of pity overwhelm me, as I look at all the obstacles put in the way of these same parents, who had too much to overcome in a country I don’t fully understand. Excitement at adding to our family. Sadness of taking away another. In the end I try to settle for peace. Peace in knowing Lia was brought to our family by a higher power so she would be accepted and loved. I know in my heart we will do everything we can to make sure Lia is right where she needs to be. To embrace her history as well as her future and to fill her days with a promise to give her LOVE, lots and lots of LOVE.